


Searching and Scanning For Answers In Every Line

by HunterByDayWhovianByNight



Series: You’ve Got A War, But Who Are You Fighting For? [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Avengers Family, Blood and Injury, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Canon-Typical Violence, Death, Deathfic, Last Time, Letters, M/M, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Semi-explicit sex, The "How Bucky Became Captain America" Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-14 11:25:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14135097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HunterByDayWhovianByNight/pseuds/HunterByDayWhovianByNight
Summary: “When we are young we do not look into mirrors. It is when we are old, concerned with our name, our legend, what our lives will mean to the future.” —Michael OndaatjeSteve let them all know how he felt when he died.





	1. What Steve Decided

**Author's Note:**

> More Steve dying??? Yeah, I hate myself, too. We're on the home stretch for Infinity War at this point, too, which makes me all the more anxious to publish as many Stucky stories as I possibly can. This one was probably the most difficult to write because of the letters; those really broke my heart to write for all of the obvious reasons. Title is from "Burn" by Lin-Manuel Miranda from the musical Hamilton.
> 
> ~Hunter

When Steve sits down to write the letters, he is optimistic, slightly hopeful for the future. It is so grim to do this, he knows, but, God; he needs to do it. He has to ensure that this team he loves so much, despite all of their trials and tribulations, stays together and fights Thanos. Keeping the team, the  _ Avengers, _ together is the only thing on his mind. He knows that they’ve broken up and are hanging together by the barest gossamers of thread to fight Thanos, but Steve wants them to be together. He knows that staying together is the only way Thanos can die and the universe can be in proper order. 

What Steve doesn’t want to admit is that Captain America has to come back. For three years, he’s felt the weight of the world lifted off of his shoulders because he shed that role. He remembers, despite all his attempts not to, the night in Sokovia three years ago just after leaving Wakanda when he got  _ truly  _ drunk and in a fit of anger and rage and evisceration, he ripped the white star off of his suit and burned it over the crummy flat’s stovetop. He remembers just being so…  _ angry  _ at everything and with everyone. It almost makes him regret leaving the team and ditching Bucky in Wakanda. 

Steve really wishes that he could just let Captain America die. He wants it to die. It’s what he told himself over and over again as he was huddled in a cot or in some rafters after he named himself Nomad. He wishes that Captain America could be a relic of the past, back in a time when people were more patriotic and actually  _ wanted  _ a hero. This world, scared as it is, doesn’t want a hero. 

At least that’s what he thought until very recently. Despite wanting to abandon it all, it’s what the world needs right now. What the team needs right now. They don’t want it, surely, but they  _ need  _ it, and Steve has always been more than willing to take up causes nobody else will. They need that hope, that dream, to band together and be a team. They’ve been disjointed for far too long and they need a rallying cry again. It’s the only way to defeat Thanos. 

The only person Steve can even think of to carry on the mantle of Captain America is Bucky. Bucky needs it more than the team, probably. He needs to know love and admiration, needs to feel necessary. It will make him a better man, may heal him and teach him that he is more important than he thinks he is. It also just makes sense; Steve has known Bucky the longest and he wanted his friend,  _ God,  _ his lover, to be this for him. 

So Steve writes another letter. One only for Bucky. Bucky’s been there for him and with him his whole life. It brings Steve a bit of solace knowing that Bucky will do this. Even if Bucky doesn’t want to be Captain America at first, which Steve knows he won’t, Steve is certain that the others will convince him to do it for him or Bucky will feel so obligated to Steve’s memory that he’ll follow through. Steve is glad that the image and name of Captain America will live on in a better man, one more deserving of it.

After he finishes writing his letters, he closes them in an envelope and places it in the top drawer of his desk, neatly marked  _ For the team  _ in looping penmanship. It’s bittersweet, Steve thinks, because he’s only regrouped with everyone recently and he wants to band together like the good old days yet he’s just written what is, in all intents and purposes, a will. He wishes it didn’t feel so grim to do this. 

~~~~~

Gently padding over to the bed was no easy feat. Bucky heard Steve right away and sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes. 

“Why you up?”

“I want to make love to you again. Please.”

“Do it, Steve.”

And so Steve takes Bucky in his arms and kissed him deeply, tilting his head back and cupping Bucky’s cheek. Bucky removes their scant items of clothing off their bodies and Steve feels himself getting hard already. He wraps a hand around Bucky’s cock, feeling it harden in his grip, and relishes in the choked moan Bucky makes. Yes, this is what Steve loves and wishes they could have had: late-night trysts illuminated by the moon and city lights, hands pulling at and touching each other with eagerness and want, breathless open-mouthed kisses. 

_ “Steve,”  _ Bucky breathes out when Steve kisses down his chest, nearing his abdomen. It makes Steve smile, but in his heart, he breaks because he knows this may be the last time they do this. He’ll never get to hear Bucky whisper or cry out his name again, never get to hear him moan as he takes him in his mouth and sucks. Steve has never considered this with others; he would only do this for Bucky. The way Bucky’s metal hand grips Steve’s now-long hair and pulls urges him on; the weight of Bucky’s cock in his mouth is something Steve never would’ve thought he found pleasurable, but it was. He doesn’t mind when Bucky involuntarily jerks his hips up, when he spills down his throat. It’s all worth it when Steve pulls away and licks his lips, sees Bucky smiling against the pillows, chest heaving and hair spread all around him. Bucky always pulls him down for a kiss after Steve blows him; he claims he likes the way he tastes on Steve’s lips. 

While they kiss, Steve sucks on his fingers briefly before reaching down and skimming over Bucky’s already loose hole. Bucky’s breath catches in his throat again- God, Steve loves the way it sounds- and it makes Steve grin against Bucky’s mouth before sliding two fingers in gently to open him up a little more. Bucky brings up his knees more and tries to relax; Steve’s fingertips are probing some sensitive part inside of him and Bucky knows he’ll come if he doesn’t focus on  _ not  _ doing so. 

“Steve, I’m ready now,” Bucky says after a few minutes and another finger. Steve wordlessly nods and pulls out his fingers, reaches for the lube, and slicks his cock. He feels Bucky widen his legs for him, and Steve steadies himself over Bucky’s body, ready to enter him. Bucky’s got his blue eyes opened, staring up into Steve’s, and when Steve enters Bucky, Steve swears he sees Bucky’s eyes roll into the back of his head. 

Steve bottoms out in Bucky and groans at the feeling of Bucky, hot and tight, around him. Bucky gasps a little; he still hasn’t gotten used to the feeling of Steve inside him. Bucky starts rocking his hips to urge on Steve, and they get into a groove together, moving their hips and clinging to each other while exchanging deep, heady kisses. Steve feels close; this is their third time tonight already and even with his super soldier stamina, Bucky’s body still manages to get him to come so shamelessly easy every time. 

Bucky spurs him to go faster, deeper when he hitches his legs up around Steve’s trim waist. Steve fists the sheets and grips Bucky’s waist tighter so he doesn’t free himself from the other man. Steve moans, loudly, when Bucky squeezes around him. Bucky does that to tease, he knows. Steve has to grit his teeth and furrow his brow to concentrate on maintain pace with Bucky’s fevered hips. 

“God, Buck,  _ I’m so close,”  _ Steve says in a strained voice. He’s doing everything he can to not come inside of Bucky  _ right fucking now _ but Bucky is making that difficult, what with the way he writhes and whimpers beneath him. 

“Come in me,” Bucky orders, voice broken and eyes screwed shut. He somehow pulls Steve closer to him and a few thrusts later, Steve is gone. He comes with his nails biting into Bucky’s hip, leaving red crescents in their wake, and with a long exhale. Bucky comes, squeezing around him with his already tight walls, and shudders. They stay like that for a few moments, locked in an embrace, but then Steve feels overwhelmed with emotion and he cries. 

“What’s wrong?” Bucky tries to sit up, but he and Steve have to do some maneuvering so that Steve can slip out of Bucky and then lean against his chest. Bucky cradles Steve next to him, using his warm metal hand to soothingly rub circles into Steve’s thigh. 

“I don’t want to die, Bucky.”

Bucky holds him closer. 

“You won’t, Steve.”

~~~~~

Steve lays in the dust under a tree. All of the life has been sucked away from him and he feels empty inside, and it’s not just because he’s bleeding out. He flexes his fingers so that he can try and sit up, but it’s useless. He’s dying. 

“Steve!”

Steve moves his head to the side where Bucky’s voice is coming from too quickly and the whole world spins. It hurts to move any part of his body, hurts to breathe. He’s pretty sure he’s punctured his lungs. 

Bucky’s by Steve’s side in moments, pulling Steve’s head gingerly into his lap and brushing the hair and dirt off his face. Steve tries to remember the way Bucky’s fingers feel because this is the last time he’ll ever feel them. 

“Luh-huh-hve you,” Steve gasps out, barely able to speak. He doesn’t even hear his own words; the only noise he can even hear is a sharp, high-pitched ringing noise. He suspects it came from being thrown head-first into the trunk of a tree by Thanos and then falling on a root. Steve can see that Bucky is speaking to him, pleading with him, but he doesn’t know what he’s saying. Steve’s mind and world are spinning and all of his senses feel turned off. 

Steve’s eyes flutter shut; he doesn’t have the energy to keep them open anymore. His shallow breaths are barely giving him any air, and he’s already accepted he’s going to die. He just hopes the team and Bucky get the letter. 

The letter. 

“Buck?”

“Yes, yes, Steve, what is it?”

“Let…ters. In room. Read them,” Steve tries to say. He doesn’t even know if Bucky understands. 

“Please don’t leave me, Stevie.”

“It’s the end of the li-hine.”

And then Steve’s world goes completely dark and everything falls away. 

~~~~~

When Bucky is curled up on his and Steve’s bed, trying to remember what Steve smelled like, what he felt like, but what he does remember are some words Steve mumbled about a letter. He figures there’s no harm in looking for it. 

Bucky slumps out of bed and goes to Steve’s bedside table and opens the drawers. Nothing there. He goes to the desk, opens more drawers and shifts around them and finally he finds a crisp white envelope with  _ For the team  _ written on it in Steve’s nice, looped penmanship. 

Bucky tears it open and pulls out the two letters. The first one is addressed to him. 

When Bucky reads his letter, he cries. He feels hopeless and overwhelmed and unsure of why Steve wants him to be this figure, but he knows that he has to do it. 

When he walks into the common area, where the others are sitting around, likely grieving together, they all turn and face him. Bucky extends his hand holding Steve’s letter to all of them and Sam takes it, unfolding it and scanning the page. 

“You guys want to hear this? It’s from Steve.”

Everyone nods. 

While Sam reads the few lines Steve had written for each member of the team, each person is brought to tears. Natasha cries harder than anyone had ever seen her do so before, and Steve’s words to Tony choke everyone up in a way they didn’t know they could. 

When Sam gets to the part where Steve says Bucky should be Cap in his memory at the end, they all turn once more to Bucky, who’s sitting on the floor against the arm of the couch. Bucky shifts under everyone’s gaze. 

“So are you going to do it?” Natasha asks. Bucky doesn’t even have to think about his response. 

“Of course I am.”


	2. Letter: For the team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve's letter to the team.

_Dear everyone:_

_If you’re reading this, I’m dead. Trust me, I didn’t want to start the letter like this, but it’s most likely why you’re all here together._

_I trust that Bucky has given this to you; he has probably read his, and knows what he has to do. But this is for all of you._

_Natasha: I’ll never forget our times in DC and in the Avengers together. You always knew how to handle a situation, and I think that’s what I’ve always admired about you. Wipe those tears off your face and go into battle guns blazing for me._

_Sam: You always know what’s right to do. You’ve stuck with me for so long and through some shit you really didn’t have to. I know you’re going to make a difference no matter what path you choose to take after these battles are over, but are these kinds of battles ever truly over? Tell me on the other side._

_Thor: I know he’s not here right now, but I just want to say that I’ve really, truly missed you being around. I think we understand each other more than we think we do, and it may just be because we fight well together or because we are just two kindred spirits. I hope these words find you- you are a great warrior and comrade in arms._

_Clint: I just want to thank you for being by my side during the split and for sticking with the team for so long. I wish I was like you sometimes; I want a family, I want to be away from all of this fighting, and I wish I could have the resolve to put my foot down and say “No, I’m going.” It’s a damn shame that we won’t be on the team together anymore._

_Wanda: Kid, you look out for yourself. Don’t let anyone give you any kind of crap for your powers or what you have done in the past. It’s behind you; you have a great future ahead of you if you can continue working on controlling your powers._

_Bruce: To be honest, it was sometimes intimidating being around such an intelligent mind because it made my 1940s education seem shoddy in comparison. Sometimes, I get dumbfounded by the things you think of and create because I could never fathom them in my life. It’s been great to see you once more before I go because I don’t think I ever told you how much I respected you._

_Vision: Man… I still can’t pin you down for what you are. It was strange seeing JARVIS personified in such a way, but you make Wanda so happy that it makes me happy. Keep Tony and them in line, will you?_

_Rhodes: We’ve had our differences; that much is true. But seeing you stick by Tony reminds me of how I stick by Bucky and it reminds me that maybe we aren’t so different. This fight, I think, you’ll really prove yourself in and it’s the first step towards the team coming together again._

_T’Challa: You were there for Bucky when nobody else would be. You are the most understanding man I know; I don’t know many people who would take in the man who had been accused of murdering their father and who they had fought against. You have proven to be a strong leader and I want to thank you for bringing this team back together again; you have my respect as a fellow leader and fighter._

_And Tony: I don’t know where to begin; I really don’t. I didn’t want to fight with you. I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want to lie or keep anything from you, but I didn’t want to hurt you more. All I can say is I’m sorry and beg for forgiveness as a dead man. I wish I could say all of this to you in person and we could really talk. Being a part of the Avengers was one of the best times of my life and gave me such purpose to live; it made living in the present bearable and I don’t know what I would’ve done without the team. I respect you as a man, a friend, and a leader in every way possible, despite our differences and disagreements. You can save this team and the world- fight the good fight for me, alright?_

_Before I close this letter, I just want to add this: I want Bucky to take up the Cap name. I think it will be good for him and the team and will help bring everyone together as we fight this battle. Don’t let him say no; this is my dying wish._

_With deepest regards and with all my love,_

_Steve Rogers_


	3. Letter: For Bucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve's letter to Bucky.

_ My love Bucky: _

_ It’s the end of the line, our line. I’ve loved you for so long and fought for you just as long, and I don’t think it’s foolish to assume the same for you. That’s why I’m asking you for this one last gift.  _

_ I want you to take up the mantle of Captain America. I don’t want any of that “I’m a killer” or “I’m not good enough” bullshit because none of it is true. You have redeemed yourself and you have shown such growth since I left you last, three years ago. I know you can do it.  _

_ I don’t want you to step down. All you have to do is put on the suit and take up the shield once; that’s enough for me. But if you wanted to continue it and be Cap for the team and the world, you should. Just know that I have all of the faith I could ever muster in you.  _

_ This world may not want a hero like I used to be, but it needs it. We are in rough waters here with bigger threats than ever before, and the world desperately needs something they can believe in, something they know will defeat the evils that be.  _

_ Just know that I love you and that I believe in you and let that be what drives you forward, Buck. Because I know you, and I know that you can do this with the right amount of persuasion. Don’t doubt yourself, just have faith.  _

_ I love you and I’m with you until the end of the line. _

_ All my love, _

_ Steve Rogers  _

**Author's Note:**

> me, in ya brain: kudos/comment on this fic  
> you: but why  
> me, in ya brain: you gotta
> 
> ~Hunter


End file.
